70+ Funny Facebook Status Updates That Will Get You A Lot of Likes, Shares

Funny Facebook status updates

• I don’t care what the question is—the answer is “chocolate.”
• My mom says I’m attractive, so why hasn’t anyone else figured that out yet?
• Take my advice; I don’t use it anyway.
• It’s very hard to concentrate when I’m in a room full of cookies!
• I just broke my record for most days on earth. High five!
• My goal in life is to have a Wikipedia page written about me. Maybe just a newspaper article. Ok, I’d accept a journal entry.
• My bank account balance constantly reassures me that I’m safe from identity theft.
• If we’re not supposed to eat at night, then why is there a light in the fridge?
• Don’t you wish they made a clap-on clap-off device for some people’s mouths?
• I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
• My relationship is like a Tesla. I don’t have a Tesla.
• Please cancel my subscription to your issues.
• A clean house is a sign of a wasted life. At least, that’s what I tell myself.
• I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
• ¡puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ ƃuᴉop ǝlᴉɥʍ ʞooqǝɔɐℲ ǝsn oʇ ʍoɥ pǝuɹɐǝl ʎllɐuᴉɟ I
• ██████████ status is loading . . .
• Never interrupt your opponent while he’s making a mistake.
• Sarcasm helps keep people from understanding you’re saying what you really think of them.
• I once prayed to God for a bike but quickly found out He didn’t work that way—so I stole a bike and prayed for His forgiveness.
• A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a workstation…
• You can’t be late until you show up.
• War doesn’t determine who’s right—it determines who’s left.
• If you think things can’t get worse, it’s probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.
• Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
• Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
• Books have the knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn’t pay. So if you keep reading, you’ll go broke.
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
• It may look like I’m doing nothing, but I’m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
• Every rule has an exception, especially this one.
• History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives. ~ Abba Eban
• The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced. ~ Frank Zappa
• Don’t let your mind wander—it’s too little to be let out alone.
• Life’s a bitch; if it were easy, it’d be a slut.
• I’d call you a tool, but even they serve a purpose.
• Death is life’s way of telling you that you’ve been fired. Suicide is your way to tell life, “You can’t fire me, I quit!”
• Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
• To err is human. To arr is a pirate.
• I wouldn’t say you’re stupid. You are, but I wouldn’t say it.
• If at first, you don’t succeed, destroy any evidence that you ever tried.
• If at first, you don’t succeed, redefine success.
• If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
• Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?
• I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up.
• I once stood in the back and said, “Everyone attack!” but it didn’t turn into a Ballroom Blitz.
• Learn from Pandora’s mistake—think outside the box.
• Don’t look now, but I’m hiding under your bed.
• Oxymoron: When an astronaut feels under the weather.
• Freedom means the right to yell, “THEATRE!” in a crowded fire.
• I wonder if Ikea has a decaf coffee table.
• If a mute person burps, does it make a sound?
• I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said, “Parking Fine.”
• Finding a job in this economy is like playing Where’s Waldo?—except that Waldo is looking for a job, too.
• Today, I saw a commercial for the Snuggie. I thought it was a stupid idea, but I couldn’t change the channel because I was under a blanket and didn’t want my arms to get cold reaching for the remote.
• Scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today’s status.
• Words can only hurt you if you try to read them. Don’t play their game.
• I feel like getting something done today, so I’m just going to sit here until that feeling passes…
• I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you: the more you have, the longer you live.
• Tip of the week: When going through airport customs and the TSA agent asks, “Do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply, “What do you need?”
• I no longer question authority, I annoy authority. More effect, less effort.
• TEIAM—problem solved.
• I just read a list titled “100 Things to Do Before You Die.” I’m pretty surprised “yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
• I went to the book store earlier to buy the book Where’s Waldo. When I got there, I couldn’t find the book anywhere. Well played, Waldo, well played.
• It recently became apparent to me that the letters “T” and “G” are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I’ll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase “Regards” ever again.
• When a fly or small bug lands on your computer screen, has your first reaction ever been to try and scare it with the cursor?
• People think I’m too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they’re stupid).
• The fact that I woke up this morning means that the assassins have failed again.
• If your relationship status says, “It’s complicated,” maybe you should stop kidding yourself and change it to “Single.”
• I dream of a better world, where chickens can cross the road without anyone questioning their motives.
• How long do you think it would take to solve a Rubik’s cube if you were color blind?
• I used to be good at sports. Then I realized that I could buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.
• I decided to cancel my Twitter account. I don’t want to sound paranoid, but I was pretty sure people were following me.
•  “Dammit I’m mad” is spelled the same way backward. Think about it.
• Who decided that paper beats rock? Let’s test this theory. Have someone hold up a sheet of paper in front of his or her face, then throw a rock at it. Who wins?
• Grammar is important. Commas save lives, as in this example: “Let’s eat grandpa.” vs “Let’s eat, grandpa.”

“Meta” Facebook status updates

• “People you may know” should really be “people you definitely know and hate.” Someone contact Facebook and let them know.
• Why isn’t there an “eye-roll” reaction on Facebook?
• If I had a dollar for every random with no mutual friends that sent me a friend request, I’d be rich!
• The next person to post “can I just get one like for . . .” is getting unfriended. No, you cannot get one like.
• You shouldn’t like me. I’m not a Facebook status update.
• “Hello, is this Elite Model Management? Yes, I think I’m ready to go pro . . . my selfie just got 17 likes on Facebook!”
• I wish I could get a notification when someone deletes me so I could “like” it.
• Dance like nobody’s taking a video that’s going to end up on Facebook later.
• If I go more than two hours without posting a Facebook status update, I’ve probably been kidnapped. Call the police.
• I used to have a life, but then I got a Facebook account.
• The best posts on Facebook are the people who apologize for not having been on in a while, but then nobody cares that they’re back.
• Most people don’t know this, but you can actually be a vegan without posting about it on Facebook.
• A lot of people think my status updates are about them. Well, if the shoe fits . . .
• I’m really glad I grew up before Facebook existed.

Quotes (Funny/Inspirational)

• “If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” —Billy Wilder
• “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” —Charles Lamb
• “If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.” —George Burns
• “I’m in shape. Round is a shape.” —George Carlin
• “Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.” —Gertrude Stein
• “Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you.” —Jeffree Star
• “It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.” —Jerry Seinfeld
• “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” —Mark Twain
• “Always forgive your enemies—nothing annoys them so much.” —Oscar Wilde
• “I’m sorry; if you were right, I’d agree with you.” —Robin Williams
• “If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.” —Stan Laurel
• “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” —Thomas Edison
• “Common sense and a sense of humor are the same things, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.” —William James
• “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” —Winston Churchill

Clever Facebook status updates

• Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
• When I get a pimple on my tongue, I always feel guilty in case I’ve told a white lie.
• I dance like a car dealership’s inflatable tube man.
• I tried being normal once. Most boring hour of my life.
• You didn’t notice that that I used a word twice in this sentence.
• A fact of life: After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F.
• The first five days after the weekend are always hard.
• I am 100% done with today and about 37% done with tomorrow.
• At first, I didn’t like my beard; then it grew on me.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• “What’s up cake?” “Muffin much.”
• I don’t have goals. Goals are for soccer. I’m not soccer.

Romantic Facebook status updates

• Come What May…..I Will Love You…..Until My Dying Day
• You know it’s true. Everything I do, I do it for you.
• There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved.
• When someone loves you, the way they talk about you is different. You feel safe and comfortable.
• The real lover is the man who can thrill you just by touching your head or smiling into your eyes – or just by staring into space.
• When people talked about soul mates, I never believed them; until I met you.
• Everyone has an addiction, mine happens to be you.
• I tried but I can’t stop thinking about you.
• It’s always better when we’re together…
• I knew the second I met you that there was something about you I needed. Turns out it wasn’t something about you at all. It was just you…
• The good things in life are better with you.
• Once, I Talk To You, Nothing Else Matters.
• I wish I could tell you how I feel because every night before I sleep, you are all I think about.
• He loves death, she loves life, he lives for her, she dies for him…
• Making me happy doesn’t require a lot of effort. Actually, your presence is just enough.
• I really hate my heart b’coz it lives inside me but beats only for you.
• When I look into your eyes I see the mirror of my soul.
• Can’t get you out of my mind, but who said I’m trying to…
• Boy: There’s just one thing I want to change about you Girl: What’s that? Boy: Your last name
• If you were a movie, I’d watch you over and over again.
• You are my world my life and my soul, my reason for everything that I do. I love you, and I will always and forever.
• No one else will have me, only you, my love.
• Don’t say we are not right for each other, the way I see it is we are not right for anyone else
• You are the keeper of my heart…
• Love is a feeling that is felt _deep in the heart and I feel it for you.
• Your eyes are the sweetest stars in the world I’ve ever seen…
• Since I met you I smile more, laugh easier, and sleepless.
• You’re nothing short of my everything.
• Here is the place where I Love You
• You can never buy Love….But still, you have to pay for it.
• I want to run away with you. Where there is only you and me.
• I’ll always love you. Until my heart stops beating.
• I love my life because it gave me you. I love you because you are my life.
• A person who loves you truly will never let you go whatever the situation is.
• Close your eyes and I will kiss you, then Tomorrow I will miss you.
• I love things that make you <3
• I’ll love you until the day after forever.
• Since you’ve been around I smile a lot more than I used to.
• Being single doesn`t mean you know nothing about love. Sometimes, it’s wiser to be alone than with the wrong person.
• Dear heart, please fall in love only when you`re ready, not when you`re lonely.
• When you truly love someone, you can never get bored of that person.
• It`s funny how a person who was once just a stranger suddenly means the world to you.
• The world is a scary place but somehow in your arms, it doesn`t feel so bad.
• Some people say “Make love not war”. . why not get married and make both…
• There`s a weird pleasure in loving someone who doesn`t love you.
• I love you and you love me, then why can`t we be together?
• you have my heart can I have yours…

Though Provoking Facebook status updates

• “It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.” – Henry David Thoreau
• “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell
• “A positive attitude gives you power over your circumstances instead of your circumstances having power over you.” – Joyce Meyer
• “We know what we are, but know not what we may be.” – William Shakespeare
• “Hurricanes couldn’t remove you from my mind. You’re my world and I’m incapable of not loving you.” – Billie-Jo Williams
• “A real girl isn’t perfect and a perfect girl isn’t real.” – Harry Styles
• “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
• “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” – Robert Frost
• “A single rose can be my garden … a single friend, my world.” – Leo Buscaglia
• “There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.” – Oscar Levant
• “Everything I like is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.” – Alexander Woollcott
• “Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible!’” – Audrey Hepburn
• “The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched – they must be felt with the heart.” – Helen Keller
• “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” – Sir Norman Wisdom
• “If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.” – Milton Berle
• “A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” – Graham Norton
• “Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.” – Oscar Wilde
• “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” – Noel Coward
• “There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved.” – George Sand
• “Try to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud.” – Maya Angelou
• … just when I thought I had all the answers, some bastard went and changed all the questions.
• Sometimes.. silence has the loudest voice.
• To be compassionate and understanding you must first be loving and open-minded.
• people’s perception of things depends on their ability to absorb what you say..and most people will only hear what they want to hear.
• The crap that happens in life is just fertilizer for a better future
• One day, someone showed me a glass of water that was half full. And they said, “Is it half full or half empty?” So I drank the water. No more problem.