Funny Facebook status updates

  • I don’t care what the question is—the answer is “chocolate.”
  • My mom says I’m attractive, so why hasn’t anyone else figured that out yet?
  • Take my advice; I don’t use it anyway.
  • It’s very hard to concentrate when I’m in a room full of cookies!
  • I just broke my record for most days on earth. High five!
  • My goal in life is to have a Wikipedia page written about me. Maybe just a newspaper article. Ok, I’d accept a journal entry.
  • My bank account balance constantly reassures me that I’m safe from identity theft.
  • If we’re not supposed to eat at night, then why is there a light in the fridge?
  • Don’t you wish they made a clap-on clap-off device for some people’s mouths?
  • I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
  • My relationship is like a Tesla. I don’t have a Tesla.
  • Please cancel my subscription to your issues.
  • A clean house is a sign of a wasted life. At least, that’s what I tell myself.
  • I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
  • ¡puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ ƃuᴉop ǝlᴉɥʍ ʞooqǝɔɐℲ ǝsn oʇ ʍoɥ pǝuɹɐǝl ʎllɐuᴉɟ I
  • ██████████ status is loading . . .
  • Never interrupt your opponent while he’s making a mistake.
  • Sarcasm helps keep people from understanding you’re saying what you really think of them.
  • I once prayed to God for a bike but quickly found out He didn’t work that way—so I stole a bike and prayed for His forgiveness.
  • A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a workstation…
  • You can’t be late until you show up.
  • War doesn’t determine who’s right—it determines who’s left.
  • If you think things can’t get worse, it’s probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.
  • Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
  • Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
  • Books have the knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn’t pay. So if you keep reading, you’ll go broke.
  • You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
  • It may look like I’m doing nothing, but I’m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
  • Every rule has an exception, especially this one.
  • History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives. ~ Abba Eban
  • The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced. ~ Frank Zappa
  • Don’t let your mind wander—it’s too little to be let out alone.
  • Life’s a bitch; if it were easy, it’d be a slut.
  • I’d call you a tool, but even they serve a purpose.
  • Death is life’s way of telling you that you’ve been fired. Suicide is your way to tell life, “You can’t fire me, I quit!”
  • Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
  • To err is human. To arr is a pirate.
  • I wouldn’t say you’re stupid. You are, but I wouldn’t say it.
  • If at first, you don’t succeed, destroy any evidence that you ever tried.
  • If at first, you don’t succeed, redefine success.
  • If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
  • Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?
  • I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up.
  • I once stood in the back and said, “Everyone attack!” but it didn’t turn into a Ballroom Blitz.
  • Learn from Pandora’s mistake—think outside the box.
  • Don’t look now, but I’m hiding under your bed.
  • Oxymoron: When an astronaut feels under the weather.
  • Freedom means the right to yell, “THEATRE!” in a crowded fire.
  • I wonder if Ikea has a decaf coffee table.
  • If a mute person burps, does it make a sound?
  • I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said, “Parking Fine.”
  • Finding a job in this economy is like playing Where’s Waldo?—except that Waldo is looking for a job, too.
  • Today, I saw a commercial for the Snuggie. I thought it was a stupid idea, but I couldn’t change the channel because I was under a blanket and didn’t want my arms to get cold reaching for the remote.
  • Scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today’s status.
  • Words can only hurt you if you try to read them. Don’t play their game.
  • I feel like getting something done today, so I’m just going to sit here until that feeling passes…
  • I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you: the more you have, the longer you live.
  • Tip of the week: When going through airport customs and the TSA agent asks, “Do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply, “What do you need?”
  • I no longer question authority, I annoy authority. More effect, less effort.
  • TEIAM—problem solved.
  • I just read a list titled “100 Things to Do Before You Die.” I’m pretty surprised “yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
  • I went to the book store earlier to buy the book Where’s Waldo. When I got there, I couldn’t find the book anywhere. Well played, Waldo, well played.
  • It recently became apparent to me that the letters “T” and “G” are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I’ll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase “Regards” ever again.
  • When a fly or small bug lands on your computer screen, has your first reaction ever been to try and scare it with the cursor?
  • People think I’m too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they’re stupid).
  • The fact that I woke up this morning means that the assassins have failed again.
  • If your relationship status says, “It’s complicated,” maybe you should stop kidding yourself and change it to “Single.”
  • I dream of a better world, where chickens can cross the road without anyone questioning their motives.
  • How long do you think it would take to solve a Rubik’s cube if you were color blind?
  • I used to be good at sports. Then I realized that I could buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.
  • I decided to cancel my Twitter account. I don’t want to sound paranoid, but I was pretty sure people were following me.
  •  “Dammit I’m mad” is spelled the same way backward. Think about it.
  • Who decided that paper beats rock? Let’s test this theory. Have someone hold up a sheet of paper in front of his or her face, then throw a rock at it. Who wins?
  • Grammar is important. Commas save lives, as in this example: “Let’s eat grandpa.” vs “Let’s eat, grandpa.”

“Meta” Facebook status updates

70+ Funny Facebook Status Updates That Will Get You A Lot of Likes, Shares
  • “People you may know” should really be “people you definitely know and hate.” Someone contact Facebook and let them know.
  • Why isn’t there an “eye-roll” reaction on Facebook?
  • If I had a dollar for every random with no mutual friends that sent me a friend request, I’d be rich!
  • The next person to post “can I just get one like for . . .” is getting unfriended. No, you cannot get one like.
  • You shouldn’t like me. I’m not a Facebook status update.
  • “Hello, is this Elite Model Management? Yes, I think I’m ready to go pro . . . my selfie just got 17 likes on Facebook!”
  • I wish I could get a notification when someone deletes me so I could “like” it.
  • Dance like nobody’s taking a video that’s going to end up on Facebook later.
  • If I go more than two hours without posting a Facebook status update, I’ve probably been kidnapped. Call the police.
  • I used to have a life, but then I got a Facebook account.
  • The best posts on Facebook are the people who apologize for not having been on in a while, but then nobody cares that they’re back.
  • Most people don’t know this, but you can actually be a vegan without posting about it on Facebook.
  • A lot of people think my status updates are about them. Well, if the shoe fits . . .
  • I’m really glad I grew up before Facebook existed.

Quotes (Funny/Inspirational)

  • “If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” —Billy Wilder
  • “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” —Charles Lamb
  • “If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.” —George Burns
  • “I’m in shape. Round is a shape.” —George Carlin
  • “Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.” —Gertrude Stein
  • “Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you.” —Jeffree Star
  • “It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.” —Jerry Seinfeld
  • “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” —Mark Twain
  • “Always forgive your enemies—nothing annoys them so much.” —Oscar Wilde
  • “I’m sorry; if you were right, I’d agree with you.” —Robin Williams
  • “If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.” —Stan Laurel
  • “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” —Thomas Edison
  • “Common sense and a sense of humor are the same things, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.” —William James
  • “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” —Winston Churchill

Clever Facebook status updates

  • Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
  • When I get a pimple on my tongue, I always feel guilty in case I’ve told a white lie.
  • I dance like a car dealership’s inflatable tube man.
  • I tried being normal once. Most boring hour of my life.
  • You didn’t notice that that I used a word twice in this sentence.
  • A fact of life: After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F.
  • The first five days after the weekend are always hard.
  • I am 100% done with today and about 37% done with tomorrow.
  • At first, I didn’t like my beard; then it grew on me.
  • Broken pencils are pointless.
  • “What’s up cake?” “Muffin much.”
  • I don’t have goals. Goals are for soccer. I’m not soccer.

Romantic Facebook status updates

70+ Funny Facebook Status Updates That Will Get You A Lot of Likes, Shares
  • Come What May…..I Will Love You…..Until My Dying Day
  • You know it’s true. Everything I do, I do it for you.
  • There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved.
  • When someone loves you, the way they talk about you is different. You feel safe and comfortable.
  • The real lover is the man who can thrill you just by touching your head or smiling into your eyes – or just by staring into space.
  • When people talked about soul mates, I never believed them; until I met you.
  • Everyone has an addiction, mine happens to be you.
  • I tried but I can’t stop thinking about you.
  • It’s always better when we’re together…
  • I knew the second I met you that there was something about you I needed. Turns out it wasn’t something about you at all. It was just you…
  • The good things in life are better with you.
  • Once, I Talk To You, Nothing Else Matters.
  • I wish I could tell you how I feel because every night before I sleep, you are all I think about.
  • He loves death, she loves life, he lives for her, she dies for him…
  • Making me happy doesn’t require a lot of effort. Actually, your presence is just enough.
  • I really hate my heart b’coz it lives inside me but beats only for you.
  • When I look into your eyes I see the mirror of my soul.
  • Can’t get you out of my mind, but who said I’m trying to…
  • Boy: There’s just one thing I want to change about you Girl: What’s that? Boy: Your last name
  • If you were a movie, I’d watch you over and over again.
  • You are my world my life and my soul, my reason for everything that I do. I love you, and I will always and forever.
  • No one else will have me, only you, my love.
  • Don’t say we are not right for each other, the way I see it is we are not right for anyone else
  • You are the keeper of my heart…
  • Love is a feeling that is felt _deep in the heart and I feel it for you.
  • Your eyes are the sweetest stars in the world I’ve ever seen…
  • Since I met you I smile more, laugh easier, and sleepless.
  • You’re nothing short of my everything.
  • Here is the place where I Love You
  • You can never buy Love….But still, you have to pay for it.
  • I want to run away with you. Where there is only you and me.
  • I’ll always love you. Until my heart stops beating.
  • I love my life because it gave me you. I love you because you are my life.
  • A person who loves you truly will never let you go whatever the situation is.
  • Close your eyes and I will kiss you, then Tomorrow I will miss you.
  • I love things that make you <3
  • I’ll love you until the day after forever.
  • Since you’ve been around I smile a lot more than I used to.
  • Being single doesn`t mean you know nothing about love. Sometimes, it’s wiser to be alone than with the wrong person.
  • Dear heart, please fall in love only when you`re ready, not when you`re lonely.
  • When you truly love someone, you can never get bored of that person.
  • It`s funny how a person who was once just a stranger suddenly means the world to you.
  • The world is a scary place but somehow in your arms, it doesn`t feel so bad.
  • Some people say “Make love not war”. . why not get married and make both…
  • There`s a weird pleasure in loving someone who doesn`t love you.
  • I love you and you love me, then why can`t we be together?
  • you have my heart can I have yours…

Though Provoking Facebook status updates

  • “It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.” – Henry David Thoreau
  • “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell
  • “A positive attitude gives you power over your circumstances instead of your circumstances having power over you.” – Joyce Meyer
  • “We know what we are, but know not what we may be.” – William Shakespeare
  • “Hurricanes couldn’t remove you from my mind. You’re my world and I’m incapable of not loving you.” – Billie-Jo Williams
  • “A real girl isn’t perfect and a perfect girl isn’t real.” – Harry Styles
  • “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
  • “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” – Robert Frost
  • “A single rose can be my garden … a single friend, my world.” – Leo Buscaglia
  • “There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.” – Oscar Levant
  • “Everything I like is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.” – Alexander Woollcott
  • “Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible!’” – Audrey Hepburn
  • “The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched – they must be felt with the heart.” – Helen Keller
  • “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” – Sir Norman Wisdom
  • “If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.” – Milton Berle
  • “A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” – Graham Norton
  • “Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.” – Oscar Wilde
  • “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” – Noel Coward
  • “There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved.” – George Sand
  • “Try to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud.” – Maya Angelou
  • … just when I thought I had all the answers, some bastard went and changed all the questions.
  • Sometimes.. silence has the loudest voice.
  • To be compassionate and understanding you must first be loving and open-minded.
  • people’s perception of things depends on their ability to absorb what you say..and most people will only hear what they want to hear.
  • The crap that happens in life is just fertilizer for a better future
  • One day, someone showed me a glass of water that was half full. And they said, “Is it half full or half empty?” So I drank the water. No more problem.